Today, I let myself be

We all have those days when we feel unmotivated, confused and alone. Today is one of those days for me.

I find myself in another one of my depressed phase and I can't seem to do anything to combat it. It started last night when I feel like I just lost it. I'm not going crazy but I simply feel like I lost all motivation or even the ultimate sense of why I'm even doing what I am doing. I began asking questions : is this what I really want ? Is this really where I am good at ? As a result, I decided not to go to class for (not so) the first time.

For the past months, I have been dragging myself to go to school. Minutes before class starts, I would battle with myself if I should go or not. Of course, I would go. I always convince myself that this is the first and main reason I am here, why I am paid, why I am granted the money. Today, I feel weak, I cannot fight the urge to skip class for many reasons. None of which, is of course, valid. I'm an instructor so I know what I'm talking about. (As I am writing this, a classmate of mine just reassured me that my reasons were valid, haha.) Despite this, I feel the need to let myself do it because if I didn't, I'll lose it, for real.

Where do I even begin ? I think it's just small things that keep piling up. I still haven't figured it out and I have not figured out how to work it out. Which is what I will try to do today.

Everything seems to go well, though. No trouble at all. I am secured, meaning I have food to eat, enough funds to get me through the days - even splurge a little, I have a shelter, I have clothes to keep me warm, it's not exactly a sunny day but it's not raining either, all these and more yet I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I may boil it down to me missing home. But I know I have been missing home and I'll soon be there in a couple of months. But even the thought of going back home doesn't feel like going back to what used to be. I miss what used to be. Things have changed, people have changed, I have changed, and most of the people I really want to see and be with would not be there when I get back, most especially my best friend.

I honestly don't know who to run to or what to feel. Even my family doesn't seem to be a safe refuge. My friends have their own troubles, I don't want to add up. Even Bagets is not option, even if I know he'd do anything for me, he's such a good listener, he's just not the best option now.

For someone who has a lot of friends, I feel alone because I choose to be alone. I become so conscious that people would judge and not bother to understand or that I would need to defend myself to be understood. And I'm tired defending myself. Why is that ? Why is it that I feel the need to always defend my motives or who I am ? I don't seek to be understood but to be accepted despite what I am, in spite of what I think.

Who am I ? What do I think ? I don't even know.

I've been burying myself in books to find an escape. Even books are not an escape anymore. When I think about writing my master's thesis, or my publication, or my book, citing my sources - who are these people that their audience believe them so much ? Why do they trust them ? And if I write my piece, why do I even have to believe what my sources have to say ? Would people believe what I say, what I stand for, what I believe in ? After all, what's the point of writing or even saying anything if in ten years, reality would change and everything you ever believed in would be proven incorrect or unacceptable ?

So I choose to go someplace else, somewhere far, somewhere unfamiliar. But even the thought of going to these places seems pointless. Why am I going here ? Why not there ?

Why do I feel this immense need to please others when I can't even please myself ? I'm conflicted and I have strongly mixed feelings. I want to be 18 again. I've always wanted to be 18 again or younger. I want my mother back. I think that was the last time I felt secured - when she was around to tell me or at least make me feel that everything's okay, that everything's being taken care of, that I need not worry.

I miss my mom, and today, I'm going to let myself miss her.