Writer's Block

How do I get myself back to writing? People say, just write. Writer’s block. Organize later. But when it gets to revising, I slack off. I write and then, bam, I finish and forget about it.

I started blogging in high school inspired by an old creative friend. Back then, I just wrote because I felt like writing. Written words were my sanctuary. I would write what I felt like writing every day and I didn’t care about what people would think. I had quite an audience then, mostly friends, of course. Now, barely anyone knows about my blog. If someone does, I even doubt they would visit. But I would feel judged every time I write a post. I later realized that I am the only one judging myself.

I also used to write for the school paper in grade school. Back then, I was given a specific topic to write about and I do it. It felt as simple as that. I didn’t even think I was a good writer. I just felt like I was accomplishing a task. Later, people would tell me I was gifted.

Was I? It didn’t, and it still doesn’t, feel like it. I’m not trying to be humble nor am I phishing(fishing?) for compliments. It’s sincerely how I felt and I still feel.

In high school, as I felt I was not competent enough to get myself to continue writing for the school paper, I joined another club – the Film Critic Bureau, later to be known to as the Media Bureau. I did not consider myself a critic. I just liked the fact that we were watching movies every Friday afternoon and discussing it afterwards. It felt like hanging out with friends. I graduated being the member of the year but like what I felt before, it didn’t feel like an achievement. If anything, I was chosen because I was club president on my final year. My parents even joked about me being chosen because I was so talkative (= media). I know they were proud of me, but they might have a point. I was an active member, but that may just be because I was always present. Presence does not always mean productivity.

And then, I was chosen editor-in-chief for the high school yearbook. I had no prior intention of joining the adhoc team for the yearbook. However, one day, a classmate of mine tasked to represent the class for the team couldn’t make it to the meeting. As I was available, I said I could go for her. The following meetings later, she still couldn’t make it. Long story short, I ended up being the class representative. Towards the end of high school, our printer, as well as our adviser, decided to have one point person to facilitate the final modifications. Out of the other more competent and much much much more brilliant writers in the team, they had to choose me. Again, I felt not competent enough to be the yearbook editor-in-chief and was simply chosen because… I don’t know, I lived and studied nearby?

So I guess, this would have to be the start. I have tried countless times to get back to writing (and blogging) because it was what I loved to do. I wanted to apologize in advance for the incoherence and unstylistic way of writing but if I did, I would have missed the whole point of what I just said. Anyway:

(Be who you are and say what you feel, because) those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. (Bernard M. Baruch)