Life Update : April 2017

This month was a rough one. I often go about how bumpy the road is but I think this one day in April was the toughest of the tough. It felt like all my issues, big and small, in my entire life rolled into one ticking bomb that suddenly exploded one Tuesday morning.

It was an ordinary Tuesday. The first week of two after two weeks of internship work. I should be happy I'm taking a break. I was set to go to Paris that weekend but as it would turn out, I would be packing my bags the following day to run 100 km away. I didn't understand why. I woke up crying and inconsolable.

My father would be the last person I'd contact during the most difficult times. He and my sister already have so much going on in their lives, I wouldn't want them to worry. I tell them constantly that life alone abroad is no picnic. But despite my struggles, I always assure them that I can handle it. Just so they won't worry. But this time, I sought comfort from my father first. I just wanted for him to say that it's okay, I can stop. I don't need to push it if I don't want to - talking about finishing my degree.

You see lately, I have so many self doubts. I've gone this far, I've succeeded three semesters despite the difficulties and just when I'm months away from getting that master's degree that I've always wanted and fought for, I'm giving up.

I wanted to give up. I didn't and don't feel capable of going on. I feel like what I know and what I thought I could do are no longer enough to keep on going. And so I asked my dad to tell me to stop.

But he didn't. Nobody did. Everyone kept telling me to go on. To fight until it's all over. My friends, my colleagues, B who surprisingly answered my call at nine in the morning when his phone would usually still be in flight mode, all of them.

Then there's M. We shared a Mcdonald's meal and a Mcflurry after her work. This we haven't done for quite sometime.

"You won't hear it from me either. I'm not going to tell you it's okay to stop, Leni. Keep going." 

And so I did, I still am and I will.

I did go to Paris for a quick escape. I was armed with my laptop and one book hoping I'd find inspiration to continue working on my thesis while there. I did but not for long. I really needed to find myself back before I get back to work.

I met up with friends, finally met B's friends and get to spend weeknights with B. I was supposed to leave for Rouen on Saturday night after our not a prenup couple photoshoot with M and G but B was kind enough to lend me the key to his place while he was away at his parents' so I can spend time with my friends and spend another day in the capital.

And so I did. Sunday afternoon, M, G and I drove all the way to Normandy, chasing the sunset on the way back (north)west.

I'm better now. This week I am able to properly write sensible stuff and thesis is taking shape, little by little. These small progresses are big ones for me, especially because I'm still struggling.I will get there. I have to.

I thought about seeking professional help although I'm afraid to go that far. As I can still handle this with the support of people close to me, I'll put off a visit to the psychiatrist for later. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to.