Internal struggles

These past few days, aside from gray skies and occasional sunny days, life has been tough. I have been : tired, sad, frustrated, mad... everything else except happy, satisfied, content. This not being for all aspects of life but to one huge aspect defining life right now - my studies.

What am I doing with my life? I'm almost on my thirties yet I'm still struggling with school. Not that there's something wrong with that. It's a choice I made and  I'm not regretting it - at least, not everyday. I won't deny, there were times I did regret it. I thought it would be simpler to just stay in my corner, in my comfort zone.

Yes, it would be simpler, but it would definitely be a lot more boring for me.

Lately, I have been on the point of giving up. I thought to myself, I don't want this anymore. I'm not happy. Bottom line, I'm lazy. I don't want to do anything about it. I'm not ungrateful. I just felt that there comes a point that we would realize that the things we do are not necessarily the things we want to do. You might say well yeah, we can't always do what we want to do. Sometimes we do things because we HAVE to - to survive, to ensure a good life etc. But let me tell you this - I allowed myself to have those feelings of regret. There's nothing wrong with that. I guess what's wrong with that twisted thought is that I chose to entertain those thoughts and eat me up alive that not surprisingly, ultimately hindered me from progressing to what I have to do - my master thesis.

How come my life for the next three months is defined by a hundred-page paper? Yes, even if this is contributing to additional knowledge, I feel like it's a waste of time, of my time. Time I could have been spending doing other more worthwhile, tangible things. I love learning, I like reading, I don't like being forced to produce something when I don't feel the inspiration nor motivation to do so.

Unfortunately, as I am still stuck in this phase, I have nothing enlightening to offer. Today's goal is to come up with a grille d' observation and add 10 more pages of theoretical discussion on my previously accomplished 5-page rough draft that I'm still awaiting approval from from my thesis adviser.

Let's go, self.