Dear past lover

Hey you,

Today was a lazy day. I couldn't get my lazy butt out of bed. I was just browsing my social media feed when I found a photo of you at a friend's page. Well, your friend.

You seem to be doing just fine. I can't tell what you were doing. You seem to be busy with your phone although I can only assume basing from your body position. Do you still own the same phone you bought three years ago ? Remember why you upgraded to a smartphone? I was abandoning my Blackberry which would mean limited communication with you so the moment I got my new phone, you got almost the same one, but the better version of mine. And at that time, you could reach me whenever, wherever ! You were reluctant to use Whatsapp and Viber at first thinking it would add up to your phone bills but you eventually learned that it doesn't.

I miss your voice. Do you still sound the same ?

I didn't recognize the clothes you were wearing ; they were probably new. But those shoes, those are your favorite pair of basketball shoes ! And are those the same pair of glasses you're wearing?

You have longer hair, too ! The same cut you always had but I'm glad you didn't have a shaved head. Or maybe you grew them on purpose for winter ?

I recognize that couch ! That was where we had our first new year's kiss, it was when you told me you loved me for the nth time. You were holding me so tight, it was as if you didn't want to let go. It was as if you weren't going to let me go. If was as if you didn't want me to go.

I wasn't going anywhere. You let go. Maybe it was because I didn't hold you tight enough that night. Maybe because I didn't kiss you long enough. It was because I was too shy doing so in front of your friends. Later on I would realize that they didn't care. I shouldn't have backed off and let you kiss me as long as you wanted.

I remember it like it was yesterday. You must have had other encounters with this couch - playing games with your friends, drinking beers, hanging out with another girl...

Looking at you, of course, it brought back a lot of memories. Surprisingly, not much of emotion. I did feel like I missed you. I found myself smiling looking at your photo. I didn't know why, I'm just glad to see you again even merely through a photo. How long has it been since I last saw you in video or for real ?

And now that I'm writing this all down, I find myself with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Did you know I came to see you ? I was in your front door but I couldn't recall which button to push nor was your name posted on the apartment list. You must've moved.

But I think I did saw you. I want to believe it was you I saw. I wanted to go closer, if not after, you. But my friend, who gladly accompanied me, couldn't keep up with my pace, and I couldn't keep up with yours. It seemed you knew I was there. You saw me that you just kept on moving, really fast, you did not even look back.

I don't think I'll ever stop asking why, what happened. But I stopped looking for answers even if I continue to ask the same questions.

Will I get to see you again ? I won't be going back to your part of town to plot another chance encounter. I have already done that to no, or almost an, avail. I choose to believe what I saw, though.

I really hope to see you even just once before I leave. I don't know how, when nor where. You're so close yet so far. I just want to see you. I want to see you doing okay, doing good, healthy, and happy.

Or maybe I just want you to see me. Here I am. I came back as I promised. It was true, it was all true. It wasn't just a phase. It was all for real.

I thought I was okay, that I've moved on. But why am I crying ?  Where are all these tears coming from ? Haven't I already closed this chapter a few months ago when I went there to see you ?

Maybe I can't accept the fact that you're probably not even wondering about where I was, what I was doing, or how I am doing. Maybe you're finally relieved that you've gotten rid of me, left everything in the past, or worse, even forgot about it, about us...

***Ça va ? Si jamais tu te trouves à Rouen ou en Normandie et tu veux voir une amie du passé, ça serait un plaisir de te revoir autour d'un café. Bisous.