Wishful Thinking

In an ideal world… 

I would not have to worry about living a life of my own

I’m caught in between two worlds : one that tells me to live with everyone else and one that tells me to depend to no one but myself. I think I’m more inclined towards the latter. I remember that one faithful night when my mother told me a valuable lesson. While sobbing, she told me : trust no one but yourself. I would go on with my life with this imprinted in my head. Living abroad made me realize that I can make it on my own and I will try my best to not disturb anyone else as much as I could. But having everyone else around me live otherwise makes me feel uneasy and difficult. I worry that when I would eventually have to leave my family to live the life that awaits me, I would turn out to be that daughter/sister that left her responsibilities behind. I feel culpable of the fact that I would be living a "better" life. Which leads me to say that… 

In an ideal world… 

Mom would still be alive

Let’s face it: when mom left, my whole world turned upside down. I didn’t realize 10 years ago that my life was kept on balance by her. And that, without her in this world, I’m left to do everything on my own. Which leads me back to point one : I shouldn’t depend on anyone else but myself. When she got sick, I had to grow up 10x faster than what I already was expected to do/be. And that continues up until this day. On some days I break down because of too much pressure I put myself on, I often tell myself that life would be so much simpler if she were still here.

In an ideal world… 

I wouldn’t have to worry how to live my life now

But what can I do, I’m trapped. Trapped between a life that I used to know, the life that I got to know and the life I’m yet to know. Just when I thought I have full grasp of the present, I’ve never felt more lost. 

In an ideal world… 

Everything would be taken care of

But it is not which, I guess, gives life its purpose and meaning. So I guess, I still wouldn’t prefer to live in an ideal world. If so, it wouldn’t and couldn’t get this real.