Careless Word Vomit

It occurred to me, while on public transport, stressing over some very sensitive personal matter that most of the people I’d love to talk to are away. I guess I know this for a very long time but not have thought about it thoroughly. I have a handful whom I can tap and meet where I currently am, thankful for that.

While on the way home, I caught up with some long overdue correspondence. I was chatting with friends from Ukraine and Lithuania (who is currently in Czechia).  I swear I’m fortunate they still keep in touch despite my lack of replies or ultra-delayed response. For the past two years, I’ve been really lucky to have hung out with these ladies who are always at my disposal. And now, even with the vast distance that physically separates us, we manage to have the same quality of conversation and discussion.

It’s sad to be a stranger to a place you’ve always called home. Everyone expects you to be the same person you were when they met you. Why can’t people accept change? Why do they put so much burden on you just because you constantly leave? Why is there something wrong with you? Why do they make you feel it’s your fault that you can’t catch up anymore; that their interests are no longer what interest you; that you no longer share their beliefs? And why do they judge you for it?

To the eyes of many, I am a snob and selfish. They might not say it, but I know they’re thinking it. When I voice out my thoughts, why do they associate it with my being? Can’t they tell that I’m just trying to have an adult conversation?

And so, I keep my mouth shut in most days. In some instances, I get enthusiastic enough to share my two cents. I only get blank stares. Now, I don’t bother anymore. I prefer to reserve my musings to people who have an open mind. I choose to engage to those who are only willing. I am no longer interested in small talks to silence the awkwardness in the room. I do not find the need to fill in silence. And that makes me the snob. That makes me selfish.

If you think about it, people are selfish. That includes me. Because we think of our own feelings. “She won’t talk to me, can’t she feel how awkward this is?”

Ego. People cannot let go of ego.

I’ve learnt to let go of mine on most days. I have very few possessions, anything I can really call mine so I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.Peace. I feel peaceful.

A lot of this doesn’t make sense but I don’t mean it to make sense. Word vomit. With a large dose of flying mosquitos in the house that may be a carrier of Dengue. Who knows, that may lead to my death?

Why does death sound so liberating? As if I can finally get some rest.