Journaling Insights from June 2023

Since I was young, I have always found solace in filling notebooks with my thoughts. It was an instinctual act, as if pouring my innermost musings onto paper was the most natural thing to do. Over time, I discovered the world of bullet journaling, which gained immense popularity with the help of social media. However, there were periods in my life when I would go for days, weeks, months, or even years without journaling, as life tends to happen and priorities shift. Oddly enough, this month has been different. Without fail, I have diligently written down at least one phrase each day. As the month comes to an end, I find myself on this surprisingly sunny Friday morning, reflecting with my first cuppa of the day, by skimming through my entries from the past thirty days.

Armed with a highlighter, I begin to underline the most striking thoughts I've captured over the month. Let me share some of them:

On May 30th, I wrote about a long-term goal I've set for myself. By the year 2027, I aim to achieve financial freedom and stability, envisioning a life where a single income sustains me with minimal effort. I even specified a minimum amount I wish to save by that time, marking a tangible milestone.

The following day, May 31st, I projected my aspirations for the next decade. I planned to renew my residence permit by 2023, request naturalization between 2025 and 2026, achieve financial stability by 2027 and finally free myself from administrative constraints before 2030. However, through my three years of trying to integrate and find a sense of community in France, I realized that it may not be the ideal place for that. France is where you go for introspection. At least this is what I can say having lived here permanently for the past three years.

As June 1st arrived, once again, the goal of financial stability by 2027 resurfaced, accompanied by a financial target to save a minimum amount by the year's end while paying off all my loans. This year, I yearned for a reset. Moreover, I contemplated the impact of social media on my life. I acknowledged that being less active on social platforms for at least five days per week made me feel less exposed. I emphasized the importance of not sharing lifestyle indulgences online, valuing privacy and keeping external pressures at bay. France, my current residence, seemed to contribute to my increasing reclusiveness, and I pondered whether this feeling stemmed from my age, geographical location, or both. Amidst these reflections, I questioned my happiness, acknowledging that I am content but knowing that there is room for greater joy. I also admitted to feeling bored, yet finding solace in this boredom, as it seemed more meaningful than being excessively busy.

On June 3rd, I found myself acknowledging a fundamental truth: I would rather feel lonely in solitude than in the company of the wrong people. Their presence only amplifies the sense of loneliness.

As June 7th rolled around, I yearned to externalize my thoughts but felt that nobody truly deserved the privilege. I began to question whether anyone really understood me anymore. Grateful for my journal, I recognized it as a vessel for my petty thoughts. However, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness at the absence of external perspectives, relying solely on intrapersonal communication.

By June 9th, I confronted an internal struggle. I realized that when I'm with someone, I lose myself, and my capacity for independent thinking seems to fade away. It is when I'm alone, lost in my thoughts, that I feel complete control over my mental faculties. This realization left me questioning how to be someone's company without sacrificing my sense of self.

On June 11th, I expressed a desire for a much simpler, less complicated life. I yearned for tasks as straightforward as just keeping myself clean, hoping that accomplishing such a simple goal would be enough to maintain a sense of fulfillment throughout the day. Moreover, I expressed gratitude for making a trip to Brazil happen again this year, hinting at the value of experiences that connect me to my past.

June 12th brought forth contemplation on personal identity. Watching clips of animations from my youth (The Rugrats, iCarly…), I couldn't help but feel like a mere amalgamation of who I once was, no longer embodying the same vibrancy in the present. I recognized that much of who I was stemmed from sharing myself with others, particularly with K. Beyond those shared experiences, I questioned who I truly am at my core.

Reflecting on June 17th, I observed the genuine happiness that radiated from my younger self, even when I had yet to find my place in the world. I acknowledged the age-old wisdom that the journey is often more enjoyable than the destination itself. This prompted me to question whether I could still experience that same level of unadulterated happiness. Did I even realize I was happy during those younger years? And more importantly, am I happy now? I found myself yearning to recapture the essence of my past joy and rediscover what truly made me smile.

By June 20th, I recognized the goodness in my life. Without the need for questioning or further seeking, I decided to simply revel in the present and appreciate the blessings that surround me.

June 21st offered a profound realization: things often appear worse in our minds than they truly are. The simple yet powerful Portuguese phrase, "fica tudo bem," (all is well) resonated with me, reminding me to find peace and reassurance during times of turmoil.

June 22nd brought an unexpected change of perspective. Despite typically disliking rain, that day, it felt like a relief—a cathartic release from the weight of everyday life.

Finally, on June 28th, I acknowledged my conscious choice to prioritize contentment and peace. I commended myself on a job well done, celebrating small victories and nurturing a sense of inner satisfaction.

These reflections encapsulate a continuous journey of self-discovery and introspection over the past month. Contemplating my financial goals and aspirations, examining my relationship with social media, solitude, and personal identity - each entry holds a piece of the puzzle that makes up a version of myself today, right now. As this month draws to a close, I renew my relationship with journaling and its power to capture thoughts and emotions and that in those passing thoughts, we can find small bits of wisdom - like a faithful companion, lending a listening ear, offering sage advice, when the world seems to fall short.

This month has been an opportunity to explore the depths of my soul, to question, to yearn, and to appreciate the simple joys that bring meaning to life. Moving on to the second half of 2023, I would have with me, undoubtedly more lessons un/re/learned, aspirations kindled, and most especially, gratitude for the chance to shape my own narrative.

Ultimately, all these random thoughts are reminders to remain steadfast in my pursuit of contentment, peace, and most importantly, an authentic sense of self.