Life Update : August 2017

I called out to a friend via text message. I openly asked for this person’s help. My friend, who was willing enough to help me out, turned out to be caught up with life, too. So I shut off the help this person was extending to me. I told myself, I would not want to be a bother to anyone.  It’s been almost two months since I got home. While I have everything anyone could ask for : food, shelter, security, job, reasonable salary, and more, I can say with all honestly that no, I am not doing ok. Admitting that I am not doing fine is not easy. How many times did I dismiss this idea, but it kept haunting me not only in my dreams but in my conscious life as well? I’ll spare you the gruesome details but it has been difficult, indeed.  This doesn’t mean, however, that I am not happy with what I have and I am blessed with at the moment. As it is, I could not ask for more. But, no, I am not ok. Does it mean that I want more? No, I don’t want more. On the contrary, I probably want less. Does this mean I am unsatisfied, ungrateful for what I have ? No, I am overwhelmingly grateful. Too overwhelmed even, that I begin to question if I deserve everything I have. Yes, I am seeking help. A colleague is helping me figure things out. I decided to have someone less related to me to help me out so s/he could be more objective, knowing very little of me except of the current situation I am dealing with. Meanwhile, I still carry out daily activities and responsibilities : preparing lesson plans, teaching, writing as little as a single sentence or as much as one paragraph for my overdue thesis, house chores, meeting up with friends… All these have been very overwhelming, too. I begin to limit time with friends to see if it would help for me to see things more clearly. Is shutting myself from the world - from people, responsibilities, obligations and desires - the way to go, to find clarity to the blurriness that is my current, unresolved and unidentified personal struggle? Much is still left to discover, learn, know and resolve. For now, I continue to live as I am expected to, not as I may want it to.