Those who choose to stay

I have this condition I’ve always been aware about but have not been doing anything about it until I sought help from our university guidance counselor.

Sometime last year, I went to ask for professional help regarding my mental health from the university guidance counselor. Not a lot of people know about this but I’m pretty open about it now. Among other things, she was able to make me feel aware about this probably not-so-odd condition I have: the feeling of unworthiness.

Since childhood, I’ve never felt comfortable with what I am and what I have become. I’ve always thought I was not good enough; that what I have now I got not because I am good at what I do or because I deserve it but because somehow, I made and tried to make it work – even if it wasn’t meant for me.

I’ve been through a lot of schools, not because I failed and had to look for another but somehow, I never get in during the first try. And so, I’ve always thought I did not deserve to be called an alumna of a particular school just because I didn’t succeed to getting in one on the first try.

I’ve been granted several scholarships, but I’ve always thought it was not because I was smart enough but because I thought I was lucky enough to make the cut.

This is not humble bragging. My point is I’ve never felt deserving enough to be comfortable to where I am and what I am. And I would always feel underserving of everything I have: of the stature I have, the people who choose to stick with me, the accolades I get…

Which leads me to the whole point of this entry: I hate to feel that I am insisting myself into anything. It takes a lot of guts for me to put in a lot of effort to make something work: be it getting that master’s degree or sticking to a friendly/romantic relationship. And the moment I feel that the effort is not accommodated or recognized, I would instantly break away.

B and I celebrated or rather, remembered that day we first said we loved each other. It was sometime this day a year ago. Ever since that faithful afternoon in Switzerland, he’s been more and more affectionate. Slowly but more profoundly and sincere as the days go by. Today, we shared an intimate video call together and it was kind of cute – we took a nap together while on video chat. It wasn’t planned or anything. We were just randomly talking and then we both spontaneously took our naps while still on call. From time to time we’d take a glimpse of each other. He has such lovely eyes and I knew they were only lovingly looking at me.

I feel loved whenever he’d look at me.

I woke up to a black screen a little while later. I called him back to apologize for falling asleep. When we ended the call, I realized: this person is staying with me and he’s doing it by choice. Why? What did I do to deserve his time, love and affection?

I appreciate people who stay because they choose to stay. Who am I kidding, right? I’m not really good at keeping in touch. Most of the time, unfortunately, I think I send off the wrong message. I don’t know how to show my gratitude to people who continue to stay, who choose to stay, who are still with me by choice. Not just because they’re being polite or user-friendly, but because they genuinely would like to stay and keep me in their lives. They make an effort even if sometimes, I am neglectful. I feel like I don’t deserve these people. But I will do just about anything I could to give them back the attention they deserve from me.

With that being said, I am also letting go of those people who fail to recognize the time and effort I spent trying to reach out. I refuse to make a fool out of myself trying to make it work. I don’t like to feel that I’m insisting myself. It’s one of the worst feeling there is. So, I’m choosing to let them go. It pains me to do so because some of these people, I hold dear in my heart. But why make room for someone who doesn’t make room for you? So here I am, walking away…

This entry is pointless. I guess I just want to really show my appreciation to those people who choose to stay, in spite and despite of me being….me.