I needed help, so I sought help

I have been seeing someone lately. Since March, I got in touch with him once a week for an hour and I would pour my heart out to this fella. In May, when I went to the Home Country for a few days, I met up with him after he generously offered to tour us around Manila and Binondo (Chinatown). When I came back to the Host country, we continued to keep in touch weekly. Lately, though, we went from once a week to once every two weeks.

This someone is a therapist.

Sometime in March 2022, upon coming home tired and confused from work, I broke down. It started with a comment ça va? from B, our usual, seemingly routinary exchange. One thing led to another, and I started wailing uncontrollably.

A few days later, maybe just 2-4 days later, I would prove to be inconsolable. No matter how insistent B tried to help, it was to no avail. I needed to seek help.

I knew right then and there that I needed help. It was when I gathered enough courage and admitted to myself that I couldn’t try to solve it by myself and continue my days with strong stature when I am profoundly broken inside. I asked for recommendations from a good friend whom I know was also being accompanied by a therapist and seemed to work. That time, I needed someone to listen, really listen and understand - not just throw a ready-made solution to my unknown issue. And when I urgently booked that first session, it was indeed what I got.

It was a self-(re)discovery process. Along the way, together with my therapist, we drew up several themes in the life of Leni. One was that I was in a constant pursuit of happiness in the small moments, and I was (to use my own term) robbed of that in trying to rapidly survive and function in my new environment that I didn’t have time to slow down and appreciate it all. Worse, I was somehow erasing who I was that I no longer knew who I am.

Additionally, I am always seeking affirmation in the pursuit of excellence, especially in the unknown and unfamiliar. I will always strive to give it more and the best no matter the task. I see no task as big or small, grandiose, mundane, important or routinary. Everything must be accomplished excellently.

My favorite task or homework that my therapist gave me was to seek three-five traits that my contacts appreciate in me. I was uncomfortable asking these randomly from people - even from people I knew - because it seems so self-centered. Yet, surprisingly, about 20 people were willing enough to give me that needed boost. Through this exercise, we were able to deduce the main traits that make me who I am: reliable, empathetic, gets things done, and smart. These traits that most of my contacts reveal came with some anecdotes or explanations which my therapist and I used to debrief and put things in proper perspective. My main takeaway was that being independent or self-sufficient does not mean I cannot ask for help. And true enough, when I opened myself to my friends, colleagues, and family to turn for help, they always indulge. It was a pleasant rediscovery.

Two months into my therapy and with about eight sessions behind me, I achieved quite a lot. Mainly, I was able to revive my creative outlet (which is this website) slowly, I resumed reading, I pursued learning Portuguese again, and I booked my flights to Brazil, Finland and the Philippines. It couldn’t come at a much better time because winter came to an end and we were approaching spring. Symbolically, it was the perfect time for me to restart.

In May, I was able to reunite with friends and family and go back to the Home country after a whirlwind of a year that was 2021. As an added bonus, I slipped in a last-minute trip to Amsterdam to meet D and K. There, I was able to ‘(re)fill my love tank’ (as I would often quote my cousin who kindly coined this term) when I left myself to drain after moving to the Host country just a year before.

I continue to seek the guidance of my therapist until this day even if I am in a much better place than I was six months ago. In the 15 sessions we had, the main lesson I keep with me every day is: in whatever we do, in whatever we experience, always be mindful and go back to what keeps us grounded and centered.

If I may add, incidentally as I was meeting up with an old friend who recently moved to Paris, our mantra will also be #dahandahanlang (Filipino for slowly pace yourself). Come to think, my father has always told me Steady lang (keep it steady), in every turmoil I encounter! Would you look at that, more revelations coming our way.