Let go and let it flow

My sanity rests on my ability and success to control certain things. When control is taken from me, I become frantic. With today’s turn of events, along with the comforting presence, availability of my friends and a cousin whom I consider more my real family, I am humbled to lose control. I am validated and assured that I have done what I could to make people around me more comfortable and yet, I am left defeated. So I will succumb to let go of such tight control and let things around me flow. I am surrendering knowing that I have done, for 10 years, and perhaps more, what I could have to assure security of those around me.

Throughout these years when I was left with no choice but to be an adult not only for myself but for those around me, I have learned so much. I have been free from my pride, my ego, my passion, my dreams, my possessions, my aspirations, my role and expectations of me. I’m fortunate that I am open enough to break free from these and not let them define me. It was tough. It still is tough. But as I said to my cousin, I’ve learned to manage, and I will manage. I need this outburst, and I need to let the tears break free. I will come out of this stronger. Like I always have.

Tomorrow, it will just be a faint memory. I can’t wait for tomorrow and the days after that.

Today, I am letting go knowing I have done enough. Today, my sanity reigns. And it is all the matters, nothing more. Today, forget the Leni you knew, you will only have the Leni that is, that has always been.