Self rediscovery back at the old-new job

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions as I embarked on the journey of returning to my old job. It's been a rollercoaster ride, with one day filled with extreme happiness and gratitude, and the next marked by anxiety and reclusiveness. This transition has forced me to confront some deep-rooted issues within myself, and I've taken some important steps toward understanding and addressing them.

Thankfully, the institution I work for has recognized the mental toll that returning to work can take on individuals. They've offered free access to a mental health app that provides counseling services. It was a lifeline I didn't know I needed.

After answering a few questions to personalize my profile on the app, it became evident that I needed to work on my optimism and social interactions. I dived into the short courses and activities offered by the app and decided to take the plunge by contacting a professional.

During the free 45-minute session I had with the counselor, we unpacked something deep within me. We delved into why I become overwhelmed so easily, why I resist seeking help even when I know I need it, and why I have an insatiable desire to portray independence. These were questions I'd been avoiding for far too long, and finally, I had the opportunity to address them.

In parallel, my colleagues and I decided to revisit our MBTI profiles, and mine remained consistent as an Advocate, INFJ. Multiple retakes confirmed my personality type. We also explored our DISC profiles, and I identified as a Yellow (influencing) and Blue (cautious) personality. These personality profiles, when combined, shed light on my avoidant attachment style.

All these revelations and self-explorations combined to unearth my triggers and the underlying causes of these triggers. I'm currently working diligently on not only healing but also equipping myself with the tools to recognize these triggers when they arise. I aim to manage my reactions, acknowledge my feelings and emotions, and act accordingly.

One profound realization I've had during this process is the importance of writing and making visual representations of my thoughts. It's not merely an outlet for self-expression; it's a way for me to feel seen and heard in this vast digital world. With every view, click, or impression on my content, I find solace in the fact that someone is engaging with my thoughts and existence somewhere.

I once read on the internet that a listener needs a listener too. As I actively withdraw from the virtual and physical spaces of others, I've decided to maintain this one digital space. It's a corner of the internet where anyone who stumbles upon it can connect with a soul like mine, take a moment to explore my universe, and maybe even find a sense of kinship. In this way, I hope to be both a listener and a speaker, a presence in the vast digital landscape.