Walking on Eggshells

The idiomatic expression "walking on eggshells" refers to a state of being extremely cautious and sensitive in order not to offend or upset someone or to avoid making a mistake or causing a problem. It often implies a feeling of tension, unease, or apprehension and is typically used to describe situations where one must tread carefully to avoid a negative outcome.

For the past two years since moving to the Host Country, I have come to understand the expression "walking on eggshells" on a personal and profound level. Every day feels like a delicate dance, a constant balancing act between my old self and my new reality. I miss my old routines, familiar faces, and my mother tongue. I guess that is inevitable because it makes up a big part of who I am. But I have come to realize that this journey is more than just a physical and geographical one. It is a journey of self-discovery and growth.

In this (brave) new world, every move I make and every word I say is scrutinized (, criticized and judged overtly without even the slightest effort to soften the blow). I am always conscious of not wanting to cause offense, to fit in, and to be accepted. It is a constant state of vigilance that can be exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally. Try navigating through that in a foreign language as an added layer.

I am in the process of coming to terms with the fact that it will be difficult (if not already impossible) to ever find the same comfort my friends elsewhere have given me from my current surroundings. At best, the people currently around me can be honest and polite, and there might be some level of comfort in that.

I have learned to be more assertive of my presence, and not rely on or hope that the people around me will be warm enough to welcome me in their circle. Most of the time though, there’s a battle within me because it all feels so artificial or unnatural - even forced, and in my book, that’s not how human connection works. In moments when I am more aware, I take comfort in the position of an observer. However, humans have this need to connect and I find that in moments when I am in need of connection, this is a hard pill to swallow.

At times, the weight of it all can feel like too much to bear. But in those moments of doubt and uncertainty, I remind myself of the strength and resilience that brought me here. I reflect on the struggles and hardships that I endured to get here, and how my friends and family got me through all that, and it gives me the motivation to push through. And that sometime, somewhere out there, somebody appreciates me for who I truly am. Thanks to technology that connects me to my loved ones from all over the planet, I can have the slightest semblance of acceptance and a sense of who I am.

I have realised that this journey is not just about adapting to a new culture and language but also about rediscovering and embracing my identity. It is about learning to merge my old self with my new reality, to find the beauty in the differences, and to grow from the challenges.

I have also developed a deeper relationship with myself. As my mother told me in one of the darkest chapters of my life: trust no one but yourself. The light at the end of this dark tunnel is that I have learned to be my best companion. But even being okay by myself and alone, even being this Miss Independent I so desperately try to imbibe, we still need authentic connection. As I have learned from my debriefing with my therapist after a life-changing Brazil trip: we search for connection, not attachment. (Side note: and I think that’s what made the trip even more special on a personal level - during a time when I was trying to seek a connection which I couldn’t find while in France for a year and a half, I found it - I felt it - in just two weeks when I was in Brazil).

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase, it is a lived experience. It is also a profound realization that has taught me to appreciate the strength and resilience of the human spirit, to be grateful to my past that gave me the agency to come out stronger, and to cherish the journey of self-discovery and growth.