Thoughts from a depressed mind

I would like to lament life that could've been these past 53 days. Don't go "you ungrateful prick" on me. I know how fortunate I am to have my basic needs but life is not supposed to be just made of basic needs. We did not evolve if we were meant to be stuck with the basic-ness of things. We were bound to do more, to explore, to go out there.

Just as how one grieves at a loss, I feel like I am grieving the death of life that could've been. Sure, I have encountered several deaths of choices unmade. But this one, I don't much have a choice of.

I'm sick of always telling myself "this will be over, too", "one day it'll get better", "this will just be the thing of the past", because you know what, it might just be but by the time that comes, I'm afraid life would've sucked so much out of me that I wouldn't know how to live by then.

I'm done with the lessons this virus needs to tell me. I get it, now can we please move on now?

Anger, I'm at that stage. Don't tell me that this is all for the better. Tell me something I don't already know. Because all the clichés are full of bullshit now. I'm done getting it together. I want to scream of frustration, to cry over the life that has passed me by for the past two months, and for many more months to come.

I'm hurt. I don't know what else to do? Slow down? What the fuck, how much slower can I get? I'm losing purpose in life and I feel even more useless in this battle. For now, honestly, death would be such a liberating thing. This is not living - paranoia, insecurity, uncertainty - what kind of life is that even worth living?

Today, let me use this space and time to lament that life that could've been.